Touched By Cancer. Going Into The Void. Gripped By Fear

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Cancer

Part 1 of 3 (Part 23 )

To avoid – The act or practice of withdrawing from something.

Q: How often do we do this?

A-void-dance – The dance of Life versus death that takes you to the brink of the void (a new phrase coined by me)

Q: I wonder how many of you have visited the black void?

After 15 years of desperately trying for a baby and undergoing my last failed IVF, a miracle happened; I fell pregnant naturally at 44.

My husband John and I were ecstatic, but then the world dropped out from beneath us when I was diagnosed with choriocarcinoma – a rare, aggressive form of uterine cancer.

The spread of my cancer was relentless; further fuelled by the infertility drugs still circulating in my body.

At that point I danced at the mouth of the black void and this is the main reason I feel compelled to share my wisdom through my story.

I know that there will be many people who are facing fear head on, whatever the cause maybe and searching for a way out of the black void. I wish to be a ‘little white light’ within the black so you can see that there is always hope.

So onto the story behind the wisdom (know that what you think the story is, it rarely is)…. On the day of my diagnosis I walked from the specialist’s office refusing immediate chemotherapy.

He refused me a second opinion and I was just not ready to take full responsibility to shoot myself. I did not care that on the way out he told me he would not continue to be my doctor, I am an Aries and strong minded and needed time to think.

So with my fearful husband beside me, loving me but not knowing what to do, we walked together both bonded in our individual fears. John feared losing me and I feared the losing of me spiritually.

Pushing decisions onto patients is wrong. I wasn’t able to assimilate it all. The turning point was the denial of that second opinion and the doctor just expecting me to agree to 8 pages of disgusting side effects of the chemo.

How many people get bullied by doctors playing on fear to sign their life away? You are so vulnerable at this time and they know this. You essentially agree to mustard gas toxins being infused throughout your body causing instant sterility and instant menopause.

How could I sign my soul’s desire away when I had yearned for a baby for all these years? Everything seemed so unjust and unfair. I needed to run and cry and hope that everything would go away.

Q: If faced with a gaping void-like situation of this intensity, what would you decide and why?

The thing is I knew it wasn’t my time to die, but it would be so easy to die and it seemed such a peaceful place to go to.

Choosing life would be the hardest road and I felt so trapped in the cycle of fear, dilemma, life versus death versus sterility versus death that it actually kept me in a feeling space of life.

It is a weird feeling. It must be so peaceful if you know it is the right time and you do not have to fight.

Q: Time. So what is time? Is time just a label? It just is, isn’t it? When is the right time and how do we know?

So what could I do as I apparently had limited time? I decided to apply my academic background in Nursing and Midwifery, I was well aware of the toxic side effects of chemo, but I needed to make good informed decisions quickly, proactively and with good research.

So I called every connection I had and went to see a wonderful lady (Jane) who had helped many Cancer sufferers and happened to be married at the time to a doctor. This seemed a fortuitous combination so I headed their way.

I felt he was impartial and understanding and confirmed that I deserved a second opinion; which I knew anyway.

It fuelled me to go and find a specialist who would do an operation instead of the chemo, so in my eyes I could, avoid the chemo with a Hysterectomy but forgo ever having a child.

I was forced into a ‘lose- lose’ situation, there was no win and I realised I was bargaining with the inevitable. Choose my life over any other’s.

I found a way to manifest a doctor to do a hysterectomy but that came to a halt when he bottled out and said I would need chemo afterwards anyway. There just seemed to be no way out.

Q: Who would you go to as a confident and impartial advisor?

Two days later, whilst looking in the mirror, I had an early morning warning of the severity of my condition. I saw a ‘thick grey auric veil’ all over my head and face and my heart sank, I knew what it meant.

You see, I know a grey aura means that ‘the veil of death’ is hanging around.

Spiritually I was being alerted to the severity of my situation for a reason – I was supported and I needed to ‘get real’. I was being told that my life was precious and it was up to me to embrace myself. I knew I could not avoid this warning; it was my ‘Hello Philippa’.

After my self-created week-long cool down period in December 2008, my blood tumour markers were soaring, resulting in a lot of pressure from the medics to get onto the chemo quickly.

I was admittedly in complete melt down, overwhelmed, suffering intense fear of the chemo (a trigger from past genetic memories) and my unknown future.

However, I returned to my first specialist asking if he would care for me and start the chemotherapy; I was like a lamb lead to a spiritual slaughter.

Even at this stage it was important to maintain a sense of presence so I asked many questions to understand as much as I could, plus I muscle-tested to check things out.

During the chemotherapy I channelled to the Cosmic Beings of Colour from which my book and cards were created (I will talk more about the magic of colour in part 2).

By turning my thinking around to what I could do from what I couldn’t do instantaneously helped me to make better, conscious health choices and I was able to complement my orthodox medical experience with holistic therapies.

This gave me the best all round outcome I felt I could – because I deserved it.

Q: How would you manage to maintain positivity at a challenging time?

Fear is a heavy energy and manifests itself in our auras first, then becomes physical reality. My fear was not new but was raising up and now rampant.

My whole digestive system was twisted with an abundance of acidic feelings, and I saw a large area of horrible psychic grey-yellow in my stomach; it made me even sicker.

This intense internal yellow energy highlighted to me, that my power centre was on high alert and under extreme stress, relaying psychically that I really needed to watch what I ate and drank, as this negative energy was acutely affecting my digestion and if it became chronic it could affect my hormones, renal, adrenal and thyroid function, liver and pancreas too.

‘I am an amazing powerful rainbow being of light, filled with hope and Joy’ ……….TO BE CONTINUED

You can read the FULL version of this article in our quarterly eZine, ‘Holistic Living Magazine,’ look for Edition 2 on this archive page.  There’s many more articles waiting for you too!

Philippa OxladePhilippa Joy Oxlade – Spiritual Success Mentor

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