After meeting with my dear friend Sharon White and sharing our recent experiences, Sharon has encouraged me to share a little of my recent experiences of being knocked to my knees on my journey.
I have spent some time ‘being in the light” or “stuck in the light” which has felt amazingly high and full of magic and synchronicities on a moment-by-moment basis. Everything was love and light and I shared as much as I could with people about being in stories, oneness and everything being perfect. I felt I was here to teach people about themselves, not realising at the time that they were pointing me to the truth I was concealing from myself.
As the months wore on, the old feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness, hatred, fear and so much more re-surfaced and I began to deny these feelings and seemed to use spiritual teachings such as asking “who is the one feeling this” or “you are in your head” to invalidate how I felt. What I slowly started to realise was that I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable around spiritual practices that were trying to show me things to fix, as if things were wrong in me. I began to battle with myself, using spiritual practices/teachings to beat myself up with about what I was or was not doing to attain this blissful state of being that always felt just out of reach.
It came to a head in November, when I felt so wild and so lost that I walked to the edge of a cliff. I felt I could not take the pressure of trying to attain this higher vibrational state by beating myself up and I just wanted it all to stop. I spewed out accusations against my friend who had guided me for so long that none of this shit worked and she went into silence with me, leaving me feeling lost and alone and I promised her that I would never speak of ending my life again.
As the New Year approached, I was fighting a losing battle with the spiritual practices and my underlying feelings of sadness, rage, anger etc. I woke up one day and simply said “Enough! Enough with the spiritual practices and teachings that teach me that there are things to be fixed”. My dear friend shared a Matt Kahn video and his words just resonated with me: Everything is divine. Every thought, every behaviour, every action/reaction only arises to be celebrated as divine and experienced and healed at the same rate that we experience it for our own heart and all hearts and to begin our own love revolution. This allowed me so much more freedom and so I just allowed all of the repressed feeling to surface.
The week before the Australia Day weekend, I had been crying all week, feeling totally lethargic and I began to notice people recoiling in horror at my sadness. My mother, in particular, was so unsettled by my behaviour and she began to ask me daily if I had been crying again and becoming frustrated when my answer was “yes”. On the Friday night of the long weekend, I caught the ferry to Manly and I felt grey feeling seeping into my being. Nothing excited me, yet nothing upset me and I knew I was in for a weekend of sorts!
Saturday, it came to a head, with my mother asking the same question and my response was “yes, but I don’t want to feel bad for feeling sad” and then she said to me, “well you better not take it out on Gaia [my daughter] because you feel like THIS!!!”. I burst into tears and felt completely alone. My closest friend was again in silence with me, my mother didn’t understand what I was experiencing and I felt I had nowhere to turn. I wanted to die again. I lay in bed for three days completely paralyzed, letting all thoughts and feelings arise and just letting the feeling of wanting to die completely consume me, I just handed everything over to what was arising. On the second day, I began to feel a child curled up in bed with me and I fell asleep crying that evening saying to the child, “I am here now, you are safe to express yourself in whichever way you choose. I am here to love and honour you, exactly as you are”. I awoke the next morning with the child still curled up with me and I realised the child was my inner child. I picked up a pen and began to write and poetry is what arose.
Since this weekend, I have had the courage to speak about what I am truly experiencing and I see that in my sharing what arises, others feel the courage to speak and share what it is they are feeling. The most powerful way I have been able to assist myself is to honour my feelings and thoughts and then honour others’ feelings and thoughts as divine by listening and offering compassion and understanding without any spiritual jargon. I keep reminding myself of a very powerful quote by Matt Kahn, “if you wouldn’t say it to a five year old in pain, don’t say it to anyone”. Simple, compassionate and honouring what arises to transform and transmute for the good of all! I know I am going through the biggest transformation of my life and it is the first time I have been able to say to myself, “it’s okay to feel hurt, angry, sad, that some days you don’t want to be a mother any more. I love you”! Loving whatever arises. I see my daughter and I recognise that the way I speak to her at times, is exactly the way I speak to myself and it shocks me. I admitted to her the other night that I need to learn how to love her and myself more and she said to me, “Mamma, you just need to [zipping her lips] and feel from your heart [placing her hand on her heart]” from a three and a half year old!
Being in the light. We are told this is where we are supposed to live, but as a human, are we really? Do we learn our lessons in the light?
This is the second poem that I wrote on the third day of my dark knight of the soul and the photo is of February’s full moon!
Plunging into darkness and scrambling for light
I conjured forth the most harrowing demons
To stand before you and fight.
Believing that the Cosmic Quest
Was to beat you into submission
You soldiered on so ruthlessly
With your eternally-loving admission.
I threatened you with death and denial
And you patiently watched as I crawled
To the darkest corners and muddiest waters
Of my bruised and battered mind.
I begged of you time and time again
To take it all from me
Only to renege once the storm had passed
and I thought you could not see.
For it is within your darkest shadows
That the jewels of life appear
The richness in a range of human emotions
That so many of us do fear.
Many have come forth and failed to understand
Your soulfully-crafted mission
Countless times you have cried out to me
To please, sit still and listen!
O Dark Knight your time has come now
To step forward and show to me
What it is you so valiantly defended
Of all we are destined to be.
I surrender to you here and now
Under your ever-expanding light.
Show me the way of love and devotion
In this beautiful symphony called life.
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