The knock on the door echoed and there she was bouncing into my life with a bubble and exuberance for life that was unmistakable and yet simultaneously a cover for a deep deep, sadness.
I felt it in my chest and in my stomach and tucked the realization away; silently thanking the empath within me that had nurtured and moulded my capacity to use my own body as a kind of compass, a barometer for emotions.
In the first few seconds my inner awareness had shown me the inner spilt, the core wound, the laughter, the joy, the larger than life personality was a cover for a deep inner sadness and loss, a maladaptive behavior to survive.
It was a pattern I recognized far too well from a time long past, for it had also been mine in the twenty years following my gramps passing when I was 14.
In an intense mirroring I was witnessing my own reflection of my own soul hole, through different circumstances at the same age.
It has always amazed me how people know instantly when they feel safe and comfortable.
There’s an odd scent of an awareness that their Soul has been waiting for an opportunity for someone they don’t know, to hold Sacred Space so they can just allow their story ~all of it’s contents ~ to just tumble right on out. That’s how it was, the day I met Lucy anyway.
Lucy didn’t have a car of her own, she was in her mid 20’s. Her mum drove her to where we had chosen to work together energetically.
As I opened the door, there was a giggle in her voice, a hesitation as she stepped over the threshold and waved her mum off and her eyes met mine fleetingly before looking away and down.
She was kinaesthetic, a deep feeler, emotional, open with few boundaries, an empath and she chatted non-stop; she was nervous, not knowing quite what to expect and having seen many people previously in the past who dissected her story apart and neatly categorized her.
There was a mammoth duality, she radiated the most incredible love, intensely overwhelming and unconditional in its essence but she wasn’t comfortable in her own skin.
She apologized profusely for aspects of her being, within minutes of meeting me and her body signaled messages to my NLP aware brain and I listened, acutely aware in that instant that she had a story to share and a powerful one at that.
She talked lots and I could feel that she was extremely anxious. So, I shifted my breath deliberately, slowing it right down, making it cool and calm and honed my energy, setting an intention of love and openness and a willingness to receive.
She responded almost instantly as her breath began to match mine and her talk slowed, to a far less excitable pace.
Lucy didn’t want a cup of tea or coffee, so I kept the energy calm as I slowly made myself one and then came to sit by her side.
I knew from our previous conversation at introduction that she was interested in new age paraphernalia and was desperate for a tarot reading but I also knew immediately, that was not where her answers lay.
As she reeled off the countless people she’d seen and how they’d impacted upon her life, energy and capacity to trust, I knew instantly that my role was to assist Lucy to trust to go within herself for answers, to learn to listen to her body’s communications.
It was not about me giving her answers or neatly diagnosing; Lucy was here to experience for herself who she really was, to connect with herself and begin to unravel the ball of experiences that stopped her listening to her own inner truths.
Tarot was not on the agenda for now, she needing grounding, to learn to feel safe within her body. To connect to the earth plane to begin to know who she was, not who others had told her she was.
I asked her why she had answered the call to work with me because I wanted to gauge some idea of her ego strength. She looked me straight in the eye and told me I was a ‘good egg’.
I had not been expecting that but I laughed and laughed and laughed, it came in waves and I could not stop it; it shifted the energy instantly and I knew that she needed to learn to trust in relationships for, as she’d already told me, she had been betrayed far too many times…and so we began.
Lucy had had a long and abusive relationship with drugs and alcohol from an early age.
She’d met countless people who’d manipulated her, countless people who’d taken advantage of her sweetness, countless people who’d messed with her self perception, countless people who’d analysed and categorized her but very few who’d actually help her begin to see who she really was.
She had not felt ‘at home’ within her body from an early age and had dabbled chemically and increasingly from about the age of 11 to try to escape the pain of feeling so intensely within this world; a reality we empaths understand so succinctly.
She had very limited personal boundaries and looked outside of herself to feel the deep soul hole which she felt so intensely.
Lucy had a boyfriend who adored her, parents who supported her, a dog who read her emotionally like a book but she was looking outside of herself in an endeavor to stay filled up. She’d experienced bullying at school and beyond into her working years.
The dopamine spikes of 10 years of chemical experimentation and endeavor to quelch the pain of feeling so intensely as an empath had patterned her into looking externally for instant gratification.
She spoke easily and openly about her life but the more she talked the more obvious it was that her story was almost rehearsed. She’d learnt not to feel it. Sure it explained parts of who she was but she’d told it so many times to so many people that it just kind of rolled off her tongue.
I watched her test me, the story building as she checked to see if I’ pull away in shock. Of course, I stayed firm; a constant energy holding sacred space.
That was my role, to create a temenos where the magic of spirit could take over and do the work, bring some pearl of wisdom to the edge of her awareness. Occasionally, it would overwhelm her and she’d look down, caught in the emotions of the moment.
I want to share my journey with Lucy as a case study on depression for you.
In our first meeting we must have talked, listened and clarified for 45 – 60 minutes. It was a double session because I know that connection and creating that space of sacred unconditional trust and positive regard takes time.
She’d shared a plethora of incredibly personal information, some really challenging stuff and it was evident that she’d been betrayed and manipulated in many friendships and relationships; boundaries, this was our first port of call.
She talked extensively about her connection to spirit and how drugs had very quickly opened her capacity to channel the divine and how it simultaneously terrified and fascinated her; Lucy needed to experience her body and the messages it held for her in a very safe way. Her sacral and base chakras, in particular, needed to feel safe to heal.
So, I suggested we begin a healing session and see what came up; knowing that she needed to begin to feel within the body.
We began with a chakra diagnosis and she took herself to the base chakra where she saw a snake curled up at the base of the spine…
You can read the FULL version of this article in our quarterly eZine, ‘Holistic Living Magazine,’ look for Edition 1 on this archive page. There’s many more articles about depression waiting for you too!
Karnie Kamala – Transpersonal Counsellor & Crystal Healer