For the last 3 months. I have been dealing with my eating issues. I don’t want to use the word disorder (although it is) because when I say that word, people will either think I am anorexic of have bulimia. The answer is. I have neither.
I have had this secret all of my life and now feel it is time for me to come clean and release my issues. In writing this article, I feel that if I touch someone else and help them with their issues it would have been worth it.
I could no longer be the leader of my business that teaches others how to be healthy if secretly I was not healthy myself and I was beating myself up calling myself a hypocrite.
What is the secret? I have CONTROL ISSUES… Now most of my friends would say of course you do. Most ‘issues’ manifest on the outside so people can see them but some of us control ourselves or aim our issues on the inside and think no one else can see.
Now for me this started as a very small child. My biological mother was schizophrenic and because of her illness, as a child I did not feel safe.
I was on high alert constantly, running on adrenaline, in flight/flight mode. (No wonder because of this pattern I have suffered adrenal burnout and chronic fatigue, but that is another story).
As a young child, age 0-5, my environment taught me that everything in my life outside of me was out of control and the only thing I could control was what went into my belly. I got strength and felt safe from that feeling of control.
When we are looking at issues like this, one period of time in our lives, can affect us in so many ways. I’ve had OCD but have worked on that over the years and am much better now, (even though my boyfriend would disagree).
I’ve had boyfriends that I let control me (jealousy is a BIG form of control). I have controlled others in relationships. I have used emotional manipulation to get what I want. I’ve worked for myself for many years as I had to do everything my own way.
I’ve kept myself distant from people to keep myself safe. I have had the mindset that no one can support me that I have to support myself. I did not trust the universe.
For me control = safety.
I have changed all of these things and feel like I am a caterpillar in a chrysalis and just breaking out to become a beautiful butterfly. I feel this is the last (and the biggest) letting go with my control issues…
This last letting go has not been easy, in fact it seems I have saved the best for last and this one is particularly sticky to let go of.
I have been hiding my eating issues behind the fact I have hypothyroidism. I told my clients that I was on a special detox when I was massaging them and had to wear rubber gloves, because I could not get oil into my skin.
The amount of dinners with my friends I did not go to I have lost count. I have developed food intolerances, so it was easy to not go out as I would use the excuse that I could not eat the pizza, pasta etc. I used to under eat and overtrain for my feeling of control.
I gained an enormous amount of power when I over trained or under ate. I have been yo-yo dieting ever since I can remember. The list goes on…
3 months ago I decided enough was enough and I told some of my closest friends. (I wanted to stop this and knew I could not do this on my own). The funny thing is EVERY ONE of them said, “I knew something was going on”. I did not hide it too well after all!
I have had counselling sessions, nutritionist sessions, talks with friends, (most of my friends are therapists) kinesiology, body psychotherapy courses, tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) and support from my partner with a listening ear.
I am working EVERY DAY to beat this.
I focus everyday on doing something nice for myself and to eat the food my body needs. At the beginning I was not hungry for food so it was easy to forget to eat. Now as my body is healing it is getting hunger pains. The battles in my head were so strong.
I’ve had a few days there where I wanted to give up. If I think too far into the future, it is all too hard. The secret for me is one day at a time.
On my birthday 10th December (only 10 days ago) it was a bad day. I was feeling really scared and out of control……I wrote:
Today I realised that by telling people about my issues, I opened a can of worms, and have no idea how to close the lid. Is my mind is going crazy? I don’t know what to do.
The easy thing for me would be to go back to controlled eating and let my body loose the weight I’ve suddenly put on. I know that things have to change but I can’t change them.
I don’t know how but something in my brain is stopping me moving forward. I can’t stick to the eating plan I have. What is wrong with me?
I know that if I keep eating the way I’ve always eaten, I’m always going to have weight and health issues. I know the way forward is to keep adding more food into my diet and eat every day.
I must do my affirmations, keep doing self love exercises, keep doing my inner child work and I know that I’ll get there but this is a dark place.
I don’t want to go back and know there’s a long way ahead of me and I need to keep moving forward and know that I’m supported with my friends and my family and they will help keep me accountable. The old me wants to go back into controlled eating.
I feel so out of control!
That was one of my darkest days and I have kept going and now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now is time for change. No longer do I work 16 hour days. No longer will I stop eating, no longer will I care what other people think of the fact that I have put on weight.
No longer will I overtrain. I have started relaxing, swimming daily but no other exercise. I have started taking life easy and relaxing.
Yes I have put on weight. That is what happens after nearly 40 years of under eating and overtraining. When your body has gone into starvation mode and you eat, you put on weight.
I trust that my body will soon realise that I now love it. I am now seeing it for the strong vehicle it is, that supports me daily. I know I am on a journey to TRUE health.
My body LOVES feeling more relaxed. This is the place where healing begins. When my body is relaxed, it no longer is running on adrenaline and all of the physical symptoms start to disappear and a new healthier way of living and being appears.
I am looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me.
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You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to see how I can help you. Sharon is the founder of Global Healing Exchange. You can work with her on her Emotional Freedom Program here.