Being With Grief Part 2: Life Is What You Make It

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grief

Baby, life’s what you make it – don’t backdate it’ – Talk Talk

As a widow in my second year, I am constantly presented with this lesson, on a daily basis, moment by moment by moment. Looking at my beautiful children every day, I am reminded of their father who now lives on the other side of the rainbow.

The human side of me sometimes wants nothing else but to break down and sob, give up and give into grief and lament the loss of my soulman.

And then my soul side kicks in, holding me gently, hugging me tightly and whispering in my human ear ‘he’s right here, my love, in your heart’. And I straighten my back, take a deep breath and continue to flow with this life I have chosen.

When my soulman made his transition, my soul took over and guided my human vessel through the situation that arose.

My human side was astounded at the sheer beauty that was present, at this unwavering strength and outpour of love from my Self and from others.

Still, I stand surprised and in awe of what was shining so brightly back then, and she has anchored herself strongly in the here and now. Don’t backdate it… Yes and no. I get that we are meant to live in this present moment, and that the past is the past.

And yet, linear time and soul time are two completely different ‘things’. Consciously drinking up the strength again now that appeared in a moment when it was absolutely needed keeps me going and fills my cup.

When we think in terms of past, present and future, don’t we practise the idea of separation? What if there truly is no past and no future, and all we have is EVERY THING, all at the same time?

It is mind-boggling to me to even think about this, and yet – it feels so right. So what exactly do I make of my life when ALL of it is in me, around me and surging through me All The Time? Expansion comes to my boggled mind.

Expanding my consciousness beyond the experiences I have made so far, the memories I have collected and the ‘stuff’ that I have learned. Combined with trust in myself (check!), trust in life (check!) and trust in my path (working on it).

Finding words for the unspeakable has always been something I have loved, and it feels like I am re-activating that innocent child of five years of age who was pure and clear, without so much conditioning and rational thinking.

She looked at the stars and screamed with delight when a shooting star was visible. She danced in puddles, she enjoyed being in the rain and talking to the worms that wriggled out from beneath the earth.

Baby, life’s what you make it – yes! She understood this and made the best of every moment. She taught herself reading at the age of five, because she wanted to learn more words and more words and more words, so she could express herself better.

Then the first experience of human separation happened, when her mom and dad got divorced and she didn’t see her dad anymore. I cannot remember at all how I dealt with the situation; there is a huge blank space before me when I focus on it. And yet: does it matter?

Yes and no… that child is now forty-five years old and has walked a courageous path all her life. She was raised to be an independent thinker, to be an independent person, to make her own decisions and to stand strong and with her shoulders straight in any stormy situation.

The sum of all these experiences helped her-me to let my soul take over when the ‘worst of the worst’ happened. Here I am now, writing about it.

Finding words for the unspeakable, re-connecting the visible world with the invisible world, creating a bridge from separation to true oneness, weaving a story filled with unspeakable energy, with so much love and healing for all who want to connect, guided by my soul and my soulman, who truly is by my side every single moment of every single day.

He walks with me through the ups and downs, through human drama and soulful joy, through strong connection and weak connection. And he says to me ‘baby, life’s what you make it’. He called me baby when he was still in human form, and he called me ‘my love’.

While writing these nicknames, my heart sends a little piercing pain, so I can feel that as well, the longing to hear his human voice calling me ‘my love’. Most times, I don’t miss my soulman, as I just know he is inside my heart.

And then again, I miss him so strongly that it physically hurts not being able to touch him and see him. All the while knowing he is right here, right now, smiling while I stumble around for the ‘right’ words. We have been one from when we first met, even though our human parts thought different.

We both felt it, and that bond was/is/will be there infinitely. So yes to ‘don’t backdate it’, as there is nothing to backdate, as it is all here, within me right now, as vast as the universe and even vaster (is that even a word?).

Tuning into myself to get to the core of ‘it’ all is becoming more and more of a routine for me. I’m sure I have done it all my life; the difference now is that I am doing it consciously, so I can drown out the noise from the outside world when it becomes too loud.

I am in this world for a reason, and the reason is to live this life as best as I can. I’m giving it my best shot, so yes: baby, life’s what you make it – celebrate it, anticipate it, yesterdays faded… (look up those lyrics, they are awesome!).

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barbara pattersonBarbara Patterson – Conscious Awareness Teacher

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